Перевоплощение в женщину и Российские реалии

Сайт трансвеститовИстория моя мало отличается от любой другой. Если ты родился в России и посмел бросить вызов системе, то ты в любом случае окажешься в минусе. И я сейчас имею в виду не антигосударственные митинги и националистов – все намного проще. Я трансвестит, с самого детства, и я прошел все круги ада, чтобы получить возможность не оглядываясь и не боясь надевать женское белье и чулки.

Я родился в Новосибирске. Честно говоря, это суровый мужской город, где просто не место людям вроде меня. Мои слабые попытки быть собой и носить женские вещи пресекались самым жестким образом. За то, что я в 10 лет померил мамины туфли, отец меня избил до такой степени, что сломал ребро. За то, что в 14 лет я согласился участвовать в спектакле, который ставили одноклассницы, и играл женоподобного парня, мои одноклассники подождали меня после школы и «проучили». Естественно, даже речи не шло, чтобы пытаться воплотить мечты о том, чтобы хоть иногда тайком носить женские вещи. Перевоплощение в женщину было недосягаемо.

Сайт трансвеститовТем не менее, я отличался от других, и это было очевидно. Я не красил губы, не носил чулки, не дружил с «не такими», но что-то все равно отличало меня. Я по-другому чувствовал, совсем иначе относился к себе и своему телу, искренне восхищался красотой девушек. Среди моих приятелей это было немодно, они пытались всячески проявлять свою мужественность. Получалось это, конечно, довольно-таки странно – то подерутся, то перепьют, то побьют даму сердца, но я был белой вороной.

Сайт трансвеститовСвое желание надевать женские вещи я старательно подавлял и никому о нем не рассказывал. Я просто с завистью смотрел на свою сестру, которая бездарно тратила свои возможности быть красивой. Она редко пользовалась косметикой, да и получалось у нее это как-то коряво. В ее гардеробе не было сексуального белья или платьев с декольте. Для меня это было просто непонятно – для меня переодевание в женское это табу, а она никак не пользуется тем, чем ее одарила природа.

После школы я поступил в технический университет, чтобы не отличаться от других. Но спустя месяц я понял, что просто невозможно настолько забивать на свои желания. Меня и так воротило от такой жизни, где я не могу быть таким, каким хочется, а здесь еще и приходилось читать то, что мне никак не нравилось. К тому же, я столкнулся с тем, что вокруг просто не было девушек, меня окружали парни, которые были способны лишь на примитивные разговоры и гогот над всем, что движется. Если раньше я мог хотя бы любоваться на одноклассниц и втихаря подслушивать их разговоры про косметику и одежду, то теперь у меня и того не осталось.

Сайт трансвеститовЕдинственный плюс от университета – я получил возможность лазить через компьютер в библиотеке в Интернет. Здесь я это делал безнаказанно, а дома меня бы ждало неминуемое наказание. Я изучал разные статьи про трансгендерность, пытаясь понять, кем я себя ощущаю. Потом я зашел на какой-то сайт трансвеститов, где увидел и прочитал много того, что чувствовал сам. Люди, которые там писали, были будто мной. Они говорили о своем одиночестве, о непонимании родных, о невозможности быть собой. Особенно мне запали в душу фото трансвеститов – я удивился, что есть настолько смелые мужчины, которые готовы выложить на всеобщее обозрение свои фотографии в образе, пусть даже и под псевдонимом.

Потом я зарегистрировался и стал общаться с другими трансвеститами. К счастью или к сожалению, я не встретил никого из Новосибирска, но познакомился с разными людьми из Москвы, Екатеринбурга, Казани и даже из других стран. Меня просто до глубины души поразило, что знакомый немец рассказал, как он свободно ходит в женской одежде по улице и на него никто не обращает внимание. Хотя он припомнил один случай, когда попал в передрягу, и дело чуть не дошло до драки – он столкнулся с туристом из России, который накинулся на него с кулаками, но рядом оказались полицейские и быстро его оттащили. Я ответил ему, что в России, а особенно далеко от столицы, перевоплощение в женщину – это жутко позорно и постыдно, чем тоже его сильно удивил.

Сайт трансвеститовУ меня появились постоянные друзья по переписке, и одним из них стал Стас из Москвы – впрочем, он предлагал называть его Жанной. Он жил один в съемной квартире, очень часто выкладывал новые фото в образе, причем они мне очень нравились – макияж и одежда были явно лучше, чем на других фото трансвеститов. Я рассказал ему, что у меня нет возможности одеваться в женское, все мое окружение меня не поймет. Еще я говорил про то, то учусь на нелюбимой специальности и с радостью бы бросил, но боюсь реакции отца. К моему великому удивлению Стас предложил приехать к нему в Москву.

Конечно, я опасался ехать в одиночестве в чужой город, но и оставлять все, как есть, я не мог. Дома я наплел про поездку на какую-то научную конференцию на месяц, звучало не очень правдоподобно, но кто бы там задумывался. Я собрал кое-какие вещи, взял все накопленное и поехал.

Сайт трансвеститовНе сказать, что я был в восторге от Москвы, но то ощущение свободы я не забуду никогда. Стас меня встретил на вокзале, потом мы приехали к нему. Только тогда я задумался о том, что он может предложить мне секс, а я все-таки тяготел к девочкам. Но Стас, как будто бы прочитав мои мысли, сказал, что он не гей, и я могу не опасаться.

В тот же день состоялось мое первое перевоплощение в женщину. Нет слов, чтобы передать мой восторг, когда я надевал чулки, в первый раз увидел и примерил лифчик с подкладками, разглаживал складочки на юбке. Стас был отличным профессионалом в плане макияжа, он сделал из меня девушку, которую просто невозможно было бы отличить от настоящей. Тот день навсегда остался в моей памяти – именно тогда я понял, что никогда не смогу вернуться в Новосибирск и опять скрывать в себе свое желание носить женскую одежду.

Стас предложил жить у него, пользоваться пока его вещами и косметикой и пообещал показать мне транс-клуб, в который он ходит. Но идея жить за чужой счет меня не очень привлекала, я спросил, как я могу зарабатывать. Стас спросил, что я умею делать. Список оказался не очень внушительным, но он сказал, что что-нибудь придумает. И не обманул.

Сайт трансвеститовГде-то через пару недель он привел меня к себе на работу – в тот самый клуб. Мы пришли в образах, как будто просто на вечеринку, но он сказал, что мне нужно поговорить насчет работы. Я не особо понимал, какую работу я могу найти в транс-клубе, но не препятствовал – я был в каком-то шоке от происходящего, поэтому позволял Стасу брать инициативу в свои руки.

Как я понял, Стас работал в шоу трансвеститов. Он потом объяснил, что травести-шоу и подобные выступления, где подразумевается переодевание в женское, пользуются очень большим спросом, причем не только в среде своих, но и на обычных корпоративах в разных фирмах, на днях рождения всяких оригиналов, которые хотели удивить своих друзей и много еще где. Еще он добавил, что трансвеститы встречаются и в среде секс-услуг, но там большую нишу заняли shemale, то есть транссексуалки с мужскими половыми органами, да и насчет проституции он отозвался довольно резко. Хотя, я и сам бы не пошел туда.

Сайт трансвеститовНачальник Стаса меня придирчиво осмотрел и сказал, что я отлично смотрюсь. Конечно, мне было приятно это услышать, ведь эти недели мы даром не теряли. Стас старательно учил меня ухаживать за собой, делать депиляцию, правильно накладывать макияж, носить каблуки и разные платья. У меня многое получалось, хотя и не все давалось легко. Но Стас меня хвалил, да и я понимал, что кое на что сгожусь.

Шеф сказал, что в принципе у них есть место артиста в травести-шоу, но у меня нет никаких навыков, и, каким бы красивым я не был, без умения танцевать мне тут делать нечего. Тем более, добавил он, к нему уже записалась на просмотр претендентка, которая выступала в другом транс-баре, и от которой зрители были просто в восторге. Естественно, ему было бы выгоднее взять ее. Начальник, несмотря на отказ, мне понравился – он был примерно ровесником моего отца, но от него веяло спокойствием, уверенностью в себе, он внушал доверие. К тому же, как сказал потом Стас, он тоже трансвестит, причем с большим стажем, и самый известный сайт трансвеститов – это его детище. Но, так или иначе, я пока что остался без работы, хотя и с массой новых впечатлений.

Сайт трансвеститовЯ купил газетку с объявлениями о работе, но она мне не пригодилась. Через три дня Стас пришел с работы и сказал, что та звезда сцены просто не пришла на первое выступление. Среди других артистов поползли слухи, что она ушла в запой и с ней такое часто случается, поэтому шеф решил избавиться от нее пока не поздно. Впрочем, потом выяснилось, что это были просто слухи, на самом деле ей предложили место повыгоднее, но в любом случае это был мой шанс. Шеф предложил мне попробовать поработать. Так перевоплощение в женщину из бесплотной мечты превратилось в способ заработать деньги.

Не все получалось сразу, но Стас и здесь меня поддержал. Спустя полгода я выглядел и двигался как девушка. У меня отросли шикарные длинные волосы, и сейчас я подумываю над тем, чтобы начать принимать гормональные препараты, чтобы сделать фигуру более точеной и сильнее выразить грудь. Стас говорит, что если у меня возникли такие желания, то, возможно, имеет смысл сменить пол, но я пока к этому не готов, хотя и не исключаю такой возможности. Но сейчас об этом думать рано, хотя бы потому, что у меня явно недостаточно денег для операции и всех сопутствующих мероприятий, а становиться shemale мне не особо хочется.

Сайт трансвеститовЖенскую одежду я ношу теперь чаще, чем мужскую. Недавно я начал выходить в образе просто в магазин или по делам, и никто даже не подозревает, что на самом деле я парень. Я даже не знаю, что для меня приятнее – перевоплощение в женщину или тот адреналин, который я получаю, когда представляю, что меня рассекретили. Иногда мы со Стасом устраиваем дни шопинга, когда мы, будто две подружки, ходим в торговый центр, строим глазки симпатичным парням, хохочем, а потом это все долго обсуждаем – как на нас смотрели, сколько раз пытались взять телефончик. Такие походы нас невероятно вдохновляют.

Хотя в Москве намного проще, чем в Новосибирске, относятся к необычным людям, я понимаю, что если кто-то догадается, что я парень, ситуация будет малоприятная. Да, меня вряд ли побьют, но могут посмеяться, показать пальцем, обозвать, в общем, ничего хорошего. Я искренне надеюсь, что когда-нибудь отношение к нам в России будет таким же, как в Европе. Недавно мы со Стасом участвовали в манифестации в поддержку прав представителей ЛГБТ-движения, и мы натерпелись столько, что хватило надолго. Но это нас не останавливает, и мы будем продолжать бороться за свои права.

Сайт трансвеститовМоя семья обо мне не особо переживает. Когда я не приехал через месяц домой, отец очень ругался, грозился приехать и насильно меня забрать. Потом они съездили в университет и узнали, что я не участвую ни в какой конференции – скандал набирал обороты. В конце концов, чтобы закончить врать, я отправил им фото в образе. Как мне кажется, отец никогда не видел фото трансвеститов, и я его удивил до глубины души. С тех пор он со мной не общается, да я и не нуждаюсь в этом. Сестра тоже порвала со мной отношения, но скорее не из-за ее неприятия переодевания в женское, а из-за того, что ее жених из мусульманской семьи, и если он узнает, что у его возлюбленной брат-трансвестит, то вряд ли с ней останется. Единственный человек в семье, который меня хотя бы пытается понять – это мама. Мама иногда мне звонит, спрашивает как дела, но я думаю, она надеется, что я одумаюсь и вернусь. Обычно наши разговоры заканчиваются долгими стенаниями о ее возрасте, о здоровье отца и о том, что не такого они мне желали.

Сайт трансвеститовСейчас у меня достаточно уверенности в себе, чтобы жить так, как я хочу. У меня свое окружение, с которым мне комфортно. Со Стасом мы, если можно так сказать, как сестры – делим одежду, косметику, квартиру, друзей. Правда, пока мне не удается найти постоянную девушку, но среди посетительниц клуба есть много дам, которым нравятся парни в платьях, и я пользуюсь успехом. К тому же, я не забыл про тот сайт трансвеститов, и продолжаю там общаться. Тот парень из Германии зовет меня к себе в гости и обещает показать все прелести транс-жизни в Европе, но пока меня останавливает финансовый вопрос. Я бы хотел не просто погостить у него, я бы с радостью остался жить в стране, где ты можешь быть кем угодно, где на тебя не посмотрят косо за экстравагантный наряд и где люди видят в тебе душу, а не внешние признаки.

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