Рассказ Мэдди о её страхах

Этот рассказ о своих первых попытках кроссдрессинга моей подруги — американки Мэдди. Уже несколько лет она стремится к тому, чтобы изменить свой пол, но в возрасте 16 лет Мэдди ужасно привлекали переодевания в женскую одежду и создание собственного женского образа. Конечно же, в рассказе соблюдаются реалии американской жизни, что нельзя не учитывать. Тем не менее сама Мэдди считает трансвеститсвои воспоминания весьма поучительными для многих начинающих трансвеститов в разных странах мира.

Вот что рассказала мне Мэдди: «Покупать женскую одежду в первый раз мне было по-настоящему страшно. Мне только недавно исполнилось 17 лет и я только-только получил водительские права». Мэдди говорит о своем далеком прошлом в мужском роде, так как тогда она считала себя обычным парнем трансвеститом. «Выдумав какую-то серьёзную причину, — продолжает Мэдди, — я уехал достаточно далеко от дома, в те края, где сложно встретить знакомых. Остановился я возле первого же большого универмага сети Kmart, тогда ещё были такие. Я рассчитывал примерить и купить себе несколько женских платьев. В таких универмагах одежда для женщин и для мужчин висит в соседних секциях, а не в разных отделах, что мне казалось тогда весьма удобным. Мне было очень неудобно, приходилось делать вид что я что-то выбираю из мужской одежды, потом быстренько перебегать к женским платьям, наспех рассматривать фасон и размер, снова возвращаться к мужской секции. Теперь описывая всё это я понимаю, что вся эта беготня привлекала ко мне гораздо больше внимания, чем сам факт того, что я находился возле секции женской одежды. Подсознательно я и тогда наверное знал об этом. И вот присмотрев пару платьев, размер которых мне наверное подходил а фасон нравился я стремительно помчался к кассе, успокаивая себя тем что никто ничего подозрительного в моём выборе одежды не заметил. Про своё поведения я и не думал. Следующее испытание меня подстерегало на кассе. Я вдруг осознал, что люди стоявшие в очереди после меня, обязательно увидят какие вещи я купил. И что они подумают?! И пусть они вовсе незнакомые мне люди, но я в тот момент уже внутренне представлял себе каким извращенцем они будут меня считать. А кассир? Она тоже скорее всего поймёт, что со мной что-то не так. Честно говоря, я был близок к тому, чтобы покинуть очередь и вернуть все мои покупки на место. Тем не менее, женщина на кассе была совершенно нейтральна, дежурно улыбалась мне, люди за моей спиной мечтали поскорее выйти из магазина и совершенно не смотрели на мои приобретения. Наконец-то я расплатился и мои мучения закончились. Я быстро покинул универмаг.

Одного платья для женского образа мало, нужна была ещё и косметика. Довольно долго я собирался с духом пока наконец не решился её приобрести. Мне казалось, что по сравнению с покупкой платья в универмаге, приобрести косметику это значит объявить чуть ли не на всю страну о том, что я – трансвестит. Наконец, мне в голову пришла отличная мысль – покупать косметику в женском образе! Кто обратит внимание на девушку, которая выбирает косметику? На мне было платье итрансвестит женское бельё, длинные волосы и худое личико – в общем внешне я была похожа на девушку. Кроме косметики. О ней я мало что знала, а уж выбирать точно не умела. Однако это был не первый мой выход в образе, я кое-как научилась не накручивать саму себя и спокойно относится к взглядам окружающих. Мой выбор пал на одну из больших общенациональных аптек, я рассчитывала, что там будет больше народу и я буду незаметной. Действительно на меня никто не обращал внимания и я спокойно выбрала пару-тройку косметических штучек для своих домашних экспериментов с образом. Спокойно я подошла к кассе, которая оказалась пустой…кассира не было! И тут мне стало снова страшно. Идти искать кассира или звать его своим мужским голосом будучи в женском образе я совершенно не могла. Потому я стояла у кассы, в молчаливом ожидании, пока наконец-то не подошла женщина-кассир. Кое-как сдерживая нервы, я расплатилась и постаралась побыстрее покинуть аптеку.

Прошло время и я научилась правильно вести себя в женском образе, могла практически каждый вечер выходить в образе. Однако вскоре возникла иная проблема. Дело в том, что даже находясь в мужском образе, будучи одетой как парень, меня совершенно злили и расстраивали типично мужские элементы одежды. К примеру, я носил длинные волосы, которые приходилось держать сзади тонкой тёмной резинкой. В длинных волосах не было в то время ничего вызывающего – многие парни носили такие причёски. Но вот эти самые тонкие резинки меня ужасно раздражали. И волосы в них путались, и выглядели они тускло и неприметно. То ли дело цветные повязки-скранчи, которые носили девушки! И внезапно я осознал, что нет ничего плохого в том, чтобы носить их парню. Разве это кем-то запрещено? И я стал приобретать скранчи и носить их. Но при этом подсознательно я чувствовал, что я делаю что-то неприличное и неправильное. Я даже специально придумал пару правдоподобных объяснений по поводу своих девчачьих элементов одежды. Теперь я вполне понимаю, что это были просто «отмазки» на всякий случай. Но никто у меня ничего не спрашивал, а я по-прежнему испытывал чувство вины, как будто я совершил преступление. Это продолжалось до тех пор пока однажды в разговоре со знакомой я случайно не сказал про свою повязку на голове. И оказалось, что до этого момента она даже не замечала моих скранчей! А я так переживал по этому поводу! Всем своим видом я бросал вызов гендтрансвеститерным стереотипам, а люди этого и не заметили.

Теперь возможно благодаря всем моим прошлым мучениям и сомнениям я абсолютно точно понимаю – в жизни главное быть самим собой. Вести такой образ жизни, как нравится самому себе, одеваться, общаться, не оглядываться на других и не думать о том, как окружающие Вас оценивают и что они о Вас думают. Просто потому, что большинство окружающих Вас людей совершенно не обращает внимания на Ваше поведение. Никто кроме Вас самих не заостряет внимания на том, что Вы носите и как разговариваете. А даже если кто-то бы задумался, к примеру, почему я, который выгляжу как парень, ношу девчачью повязку на голове — что мне с этого? Вспоминая мои покупки в магазине или в аптеке, я понимаю, что те кассиры уже давно забыли обо мне, а если они даже обратили внимание на моё поведение и обсуждали его, что мне с этого. Почему я должна переживать о том, что думают и считают какие-то люди, которые чаще всего даже имени моего не знают? Это только моя жизнь и я живу ею. Если кому-то она так сильно интересна, значит его жизнь серая и обыденная. Такова моя позиция, которой я и хотела поделиться с Вами».

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