Рассказ транса: теперь я транссексуалка официально!

Рассказ трансаЯ узнал, что я транссексуалка, лет в 11 или 12. Будучи в шестом классе – значит, это был год 1974 или 1975 — я начал практиковать переодевание в женское. Я не знал термина «транссексуализм» в то время, я надеялся, что позже, с годами, это пройдет.

Когда я стал подростком, то понял – что-то со мной не так. Мое тело вело себя по-мужски, но мозг противился, словно говоря: «Постойте-ка! У меня должны быть сиськи, и менструации, и нежная кожа, и длинные волосы!» Вместо этого я видел щетину и угри, и всякие другие вещи, видеть которые мне вовсе не хотелось.

Рассказ трансаБыло и другое. Когда я был маленьким, то делал кое-что такое, что считалось в обществе недопустимым для мальчика. Например, играл с куклами моей сестры, совершенно не интересовался спортом, а вместо этого хотел играть с девчонками. Остальные мальчишки, жившие по соседству, меня не понимали и потому не хотели со мной играть. Я никогда не понимал, в чем было дело. Я очень старался им понравиться, но у меня не получалось. Я стал кем-то вроде одиночки. Теперь я скорее остался бы в своей комнате и почитал книжку, чем пошел бы на улицу играть с другими детьми. Если бы не братья, мое детство было бы совсем одиноким.

Затем пришла юность, и она снова была неправильная. Я начал переодевание в женское с вещей моих сестер и матери. Я не помню, как это началось, но предавался я этому каждый раз, как только был предоставлен самому себе. Просто удивительно, сколько раз я почти что был пойман за этим. Интересно, что мой старший брат занимался тем же, но в то время я об этом не знал.

Рассказ трансаЯ одевался в женское, поскольку хотел быть девушкой, а не для того, чтобы возбудиться и кончить, это не было целью. На самом деле я даже не имел эрекции поначалу. Мне просто хотелось ощутить себя женщиной настолько, насколько это возможно.

А для этого необходимо переодевание в женское. Это все равно, что надевать пожарную робу, если изображаешь пожарника, или форменную фуражку и китель, если притворяешься полицейским. «Униформа» девушек – это платья, бюстгальтеры, трусики, колготки, и т.п… Все это я хотел носить. Я играл с косметикой, вплетал ленты в свои волосы, и горячо молил Бога сделать меня девушкой. Потом меня одолевали вина и стыд, и я молился, чтобы Бог отнял у меня эти желания и я мог бы просто быть нормальным мальчиком. Ни та, ни другая просьба не сбылась, как я не молил об этом.

Рассказ трансаОткровенно говоря, я думаю, что был бы намного счастливее, если бы хоть что-то из этого произошло бы.

В средних классах школы я как-то пришел в гости к другу, у которого были журналы «для взрослых». Мы провели полдня, рассматривая эти журналы. Правда, эрекции у меня так и не настало, и это меня смутило. Говорило ли это о моей гомосексуальности? Я думал, что все эти женщины очень красивы, но просто не возбуждали меня. Это настолько расстроило меня, что я взял другой журнал и стал разглядывать обнаженных мужчин. Опять ничего. Это также не возбудило меня.

Я знал, что меня не влечет к мужчинам, я люблю девушек, и мне захотелось понимать их лучше. Вместе с тем я знал, что в девушках меня привлекает кроме всего остального и то, что я хочу быть одной из них.

Рассказ трансаТогда не было интернета, никакого тебе гугла, чтобы серфить и искать «Я хочу быть девушкой». В библиотеках нашего города были кое-какие медицинские книги, которые описывали мое состояние как транссексуализм — желание быть человеком другого пола. Такое твердое желание, что порой хирургия подлаживает и изменяет тело, чтобы спасти сознание. Это все было обо мне, о том, чего я так хотел, но, какой же жестокой шуткой это было…

Я отмечал, что большинство девушек видели во мне не больше чем друга. Я крайне редко нравился кому-либо как парень. Я очень удивился бы, если бы кто-то из них понял, что под моим мужским «фасадом» скрывается девочка, но, думаю, порой они чувствовали это на подсознательном уровне. Довольно сложно догадаться о чем-то таком, когда нет нужды утверждаться в собственной половой принадлежности.

Рассказ трансаПравда, однажды, во время учебы в институте, у меня состоялось кое-что серьезное. Одной девушке я на самом деле понравился! Поначалу меня это даже напугало, потому что ничего подобного раньше не случалось. Мне даже казалось, что с этой девушкой не все в порядке.

Помню, как меня все время тянуло переодеться в женское платье, и вообще мне ужасно хотелось выглядеть, как женщина. Я был в смятении. Помню, как ждал свою подругу в ее автомобиле, и когда она наконец появилась, то сияла таким счастьем и любовью ко мне, что я подумал бросить все свои глупости и остаться парнем. Тогда мне казалось, что это наилучший выход. Таким образом в течение нескольких лет мы встречались и наконец поженились.

Рассказ трансаОднажды отец сказал мне, что мой старший брат заявил, что у него транссексуализм. К тому времени я уже знал, что это значит. Я об этом много читал, но, разумеется, информации у меня было намного меньше, чем сейчас. Я подумал, что теперь не имею права поступать подобным образом. Фактически я решил, что не смогу стать женщиной, а должен остаться нормальным сыном для моих родителей. Как сказано – почитай отца и мать свою. Честь и ответственность не зависят от собственного счастья. Иногда приходится быть очень жестким, и не позволять себе того, что хочется. Даже если понимаешь, что отказываешься от собственного счастья.

Прошло несколько лет. Я женился, у меня родились дети. Я продолжал переодевание в женское при каждом удобном случае, убеждая себя, что это мой фетиш, хотя в своих сексуальных фантазиях я видел себя как женщину, причем с мужчиной.

Я не представлял себе секса с мужчиной в мужском облике, меня это абсолютно не интересовало. Но фантазии, в которых я занимался сексом как женщина, ужасно заводили меня. Я экспериментировал в области анального секса со всякими фаллическими предметами, стараясь кончить благодаря такой стимуляции, потому что это было наиболее близким к тому, как кончают женщины. Иногда у меня это получалось. Мне не хотелось, чтобы возникала эрекция, и если у меня вставал, то я зажимал его ладонью. Иногда это помогало, но мне это не нравилось.

Рассказ трансаМой секс в качестве гетеросексуального мужчины был вполне хорош, порой даже слишком хорош, но всегда возникало чувство, будто чего-то не хватает, что это как-то неправильно. Я мог возбуждаться, но все это «вот и все, а ты боялась, только юбочка помялась» — это было не мое. Именно потому что я хотел, чтобы юбочка помялась у меня. Мой первый сексуальный опыт с женой был настоящим разочарованием. Я все сделал отлично, но, честно говоря, все время думал – что это было?! Самый лучший секс в браке получался тогда, когда я был сильно уставшим или меня резко разбудили. Так мне было проще скользнуть в свои фантазии, где я был женщиной, а моя жена – мужчиной, особенно если она была сверху.

Жизнь продолжалась, желание быть женщиной становилось все сильнее и сильнее. Я покупал себе платья и выбрасывал, снова покупал и опять выбрасывал, и опять, и опять, и опять. Старший брат сменил пол и уехал, он никогда не знал о моих особенностях. Я же был «нормальным сыном», вы же знаете… Я много лазил в интернете и читал. Приближалось пятидесятилетие, я уволился, приобретя массу седых волос, и наконец все эти стрессы привели меня к психотерапевту.

Рассказ трансаКого же я вижу? Доктор – женщина. И слава богу, потому что парню я бы не решился об этом рассказать, независимо от того, насколько он компетентен в таких вопросах. Доктор – женщина, и говорить мне намного легче, хотя я все еще думал, что это ужасно сложно – понять, что парень, который сидит напротив тебя, хочет быть женщиной. Ну такое же не каждый день встречается. Она оказалась очень понимающей, но ее вежливые «Правда? Угу… Гм… Да-да-да…» убедили меня в том, что это не тот доктор, который мне нужен.

Я нашел другого врача и связался с ней по скайпу. Она мне понравилась больше, но удаленная работа оказалась неудобной, поэтому я обратился к третьему терапевту, с которой работаю и по сей день. Помимо этого я стал немного экспериментировать с фитоэстрогенами в малых дозах. В нескольких медицинских журналах я прочел о том, что транссексуалки употребляют эстрогены, которые помогают им сменить пол, ощутить себя женщиной.

Рассказ трансаЭстрогены и в самом деле помогли, но это палка о двух концах. Это немного притупляет желание, но даже низкие дозы делают меня женственней. Кожа делается мягкой, сиськи растут, ягодицы становятся мягче и круглее… Я люблю эстрогены, очень люблю. В сексе для меня открылся целый мир. Я раскрыл свою женскую сторону и теперь экспериментирую со всякими игрушками вместе со своей женой. Это позволяет мне хотеть того, что я не мог бы иметь. Теперь я хочу иметь такой секс, для которого нужно не мужское тело. Все сложнее оставаться мужчиной…

Вчера мой друг спросил, расценивает ли меня как транссексуала мой врач, и я задал ей этот вопрос. Она согласилась, по ее мнению, внутри я — женщина. Это уже официально. В некотором смысле это трудно принять. Я знал, что это правда, что это должно быть так, но до последнего старался не думать об этом. Меня это потрясло намного больше, чем я мог ожидать. Я так думаю, что где-то все надеялся, что она скажет «нет».

Но вместо этого она сказала то, о чем я сам давно догадывался – там, под маской, я всегда был женщиной. И сейчас все только начинается…

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    Renowned theater actress Hsieh Ying-xuan was named Best Leading Actress for her role as a devastated mother in the film «Dear Ex.» Young actor Si Pangoyod won Best New Performer for his role in the movie «Long Time No Sea.»

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    China as well as ASEAN already reached a Declaration on the Conduct of the Parties in the South China Sea (DOC) years ago, and have been seeking an more robust code of conduct.

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    Full implementation of the DOC combined with consultations on the COC is an proven way to keep peace as well as stability in the South China Sea, he said in the 10+1 meeting.

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    Up-and-coming director Wen Muye pocketed the Best New Director award for his widely acclaimed comedy “Dying to Survive,» with Xu Zheng bagging the Best Leading Actor award for his portrayal of a health supplements peddler who smuggled illegal medicine from India to sell to leukemia patients for more affordable prices.

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    «I expect the same thing to happen now (about the BRI),» he said.

  125. The deal, once reached, would boost trade and investment, promote regional economic integration as well as benefit the people of all participating countries, Li said.

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    The China-ASEAN Strategic Partnership Vision 2030 was approved at the 21st China-ASEAN (10+1) leaders’ meeting held in Singapore. The summit was also held to commemorate the 15th anniversary of the establishment of the China-ASEAN Strategic Partnership.

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